But I miss you more than I did before, I showed you my heart and you showed me the door.
Have you ever been so in love with someone, that you fall in love with the little things about them? The way they look when they are thinking, or focusing on something. The way their face lights up when they talk about something they absolutely love. The way they talk to other people, their facial expressions and their hand gestures. And just the looks they give you. The way they smile and laugh with you. The look in their eyes before they lean in to kiss you. When they run their hands down your arms and lock their fingers with yours. And oh, the goosebumps and butterflies they gave you. When they pull you into a hug and you feel all their muscles relax and yours do too, because in that moment, everything is utterly perfect and you feel so safe. And when you catch yourself looking at them, wondering what they are thinking. You are not only in love with their personality, you’re in love with their soul, every fiber of their being. And just the way they exist amazes you. It fascinates you, and you want to know every little thing about them.
Now tell me, how someone is supposed to get over all that?
What if I am too scared to ever kiss you?
What if one day you walk down the hallway and your hand is in someone else’s, what if they are the one to push back your brown hair and look into those wide eyes and nibble on the soft curve of your chin - what if one day we are sitting on the floor of your room and you are talking about him and I realize that I am out of time, I am out of opportunities, that because of my own fear, you will never ever love me -
what if in the late night when I have finally given up on you, when I am trying to teach myself to be happy you have someone who makes you smile - what if then you call me up, drunk, tongue too heavy for liquor to carry so you slur out that you used to love me so hard that you had chipped yourself on the edge of my teeth but were too convinced that I didn’t feel the same way so you pulled back, trying to salvage our friendship
what if I have to laugh and tell you to go to bed, what if I have to sit there as you hand the phone over to your more-sober beau as he chuckles and tells me that he’ll fight me if he has to, what if I have to pretend I am joking when I say “watch out, I’ll destroy you”
what if as the years wear on you never really get around to breaking up with him, what if I stop being your best friend
what if I have to watch you marry him on a day that smells like cherries and air that is springtime warm and skies that are so clear you wonder if god distilled the clouds that day - what if I am up at the alter, not as your significant other but as one of the party
what if I lose you no matter what action I take? I either wait to break myself later
or break us today.